fresh unders

  What has the world come to that I'm getting a life saving vaccine in a Target dressing room? Look-I rarely, if ever, post about politics, controversial topics, religion and basically anything about which people feel quite strongly.  It is not that I don't feel strongly about these things.  I'm strong.  I feel strongLY, people.  But most of the time it doesn't get you very far except down into the mud with some troll you knew 20 years ago.  You may not have known that he was a troll back then because that term did not exist, but here they are livin' under your bridge while you're just trying to trip-trap over said bridge like the GOAT you are.   That's GOAT as in Greatest of All Time.  And yes, I hit you with fairy tale knowledge wrapped into some 2020 slang.  Boom. I scheduled the vaccine on my computer.  It was easy.  Just click to different sites 25 times, go to 14 pharmacy websites, create 14 new accounts, select an appointment...

  "Mom, do you know Lewton's Third Law?"  That was Juliet's question as she was brushing her teeth. I tried to tell her it is actually Newton and not Lewton.  Although this is a valid correction, it was also a stall tactic to try and recall what the law is.  I thought he had, like, one major one and I thought since it was the major law, it would be number one.  So number one is the whole "equal and opposite reaction" one.  Right?  Wrong.  Perhaps the aspect of it being the third one was what threw me off? I looked it up.  Turns out, the whole "body moving in a straight line" thing is the first law.  Honestly.  All due respect to the scientists.  No.  one.  cares.   Not to fear, Juliet explained it to me with an example about swimming and elaborate arm motions and I'm relatively sure the words "equal and opposite" were in there.  She likes "Emily's Wonder Lab" on Netflix.  If not for her huge vocabulary ...

Quarantine is like 60 Days In.  Without the shank. I can't freely discuss our quarantine because, number one, it violates HIPAA laws.  Number two?  There is no number two.  It's a law for a reason, people. Quarantine is to prison shows as covid is to lice.  (This is why this post came with a warning.) When you get covid, which I am neither confirming nor denying (see above: HIPAA) you have to tell people.  But just as in the case of lice, you don't really want to tell people.  Moreover, you're probably telling people that you are close to and friendly with and possibly related to by blood or marriage.  You feel awful.  "Hey guys, I know we were hanging out the other day, but we just found out Child A has lice."  They're like, "Oh no.  We feel so bad for you!  That's the worst." But at the same time as they are texting that to you, they're also yelling to their husband, "What the hell?!?  CHECK THEIR HEADS!  When was t...

  I acknowledge that 99% of you know about my kids already, because I don't think anyone who doesn't know me is reading Fresh Unders.  But just in case there is one new reader on here, to you I say welcome and thank you for your patronage. My children are a decade apart in age.  Aidan and Norah are 15 and Juliet is 5.  When a woman at the playground asked me their ages, she followed up my response with a question as to whether the children were "from the same dad."  Why yes they are, m'am.  Some people are still having sex with the same person a decade later.  It happens.   Here's what else happens in a decade: you get older and you are hanging on by a thread to the lives of one five year old and two kids about to get their learners permits.  Help me, Jesus.  People ask me how it is to parent kids at completely different ages and stages at the same time.  The answer is: we don't really parent them that differently.  The stakes ...

I drove from the Valley to the beach every Friday when we lived in California.  Depending on which way the wind was blowing on the 405, that drive could take anywhere from 30 minutes to 3 hours.  I was young, wild and free (translation: I had no children) and I had found a hot yoga class that I adored in Santa Monica.  Have mat, will travel. The instructor was incredible.  The class was free.  OK, almost free.  You were supposed to give a donation at the door.  I always gave a donation because there was some serious karma in that yoga studio and you do not want that coming back around to bite you in your high and tight yogi ass.  The crowd was an eclectic mix because...California.  There was an abundance of actor/model/dancer/currently waiters.  There were the hippy-dippy and the peace & lovers.  Young professionals, cool surfers and friendly, happy people.  It was an awesome class. Until I saw a sight that you don...

I was recently car shopping and was surprised that the car had a CD player.  I asked DJ, the salesman, why they would put a CD player in a new car.  I mean, I love a 6 disc changer in the back and everything cause I love reppin the 90s, but is this what the people want? It turns out the answer is yes.  This is   what the people want.  Well...certain people.  According to DJ, the car company does extensive research and the 50+ age group is the demographic that still wants a CD player in their car.  At this point in our conversation, DJ didn't know how old I was.  Luckily, he is a very skilled car salesman who did not say that my age group wants a CD player.  He wanted the sale. But in the name of research, I decided to interview a 50 year old friend to find out about the CD player and other apparent demographic demarcations.  I was like, "Hey! You're 50! Do older people--"  She hung up on me.   Let's just leave the 50-somet...